LOVE? How Do I Know I Have Fallen Out of Love?
People change over time, and sometimes love changes with them. How do I tell whether I am going through a difficult phase or have fallen out of love?
LOVE?
LOVE? How Do I Know I Have Fallen Out of Love?
It took me a long time to understand what it meant for me to love someone. I think it can take just as long to admit that I no longer love them in the same way. I may still care for them and keep the promises I made. But when their satisfaction and mine pull in different directions, I may notice that my answer to the question “Whose comes first?” has changed.
People change over time. The person I fell in love with may come to value different things, want a different kind of life, or see our relationship differently. I may have changed just as much without noticing it. Sometimes we come to appreciate things in each other that were not there at the beginning. Sometimes the changes go so deep that the bond we once had no longer holds in the same way. Neither person has to be at fault for that to happen.
One of the harder questions I can ask myself is this: Am I still in love with the person as they are today, or am I holding on to the person I remember? The memories may be dear to me. They tell me something about what we once shared. I have to look at how I feel and act towards the person in front of me to understand what we share now.
I would be slow to reach a conclusion after a quarrel or a difficult period. When I am hurt, I may find it hard to think beyond my own hurt. I learn more from what happens when the quarrel has passed. In ordinary moments, when neither of us is asking very much of the other, do I still take pleasure in their happiness? When something matters to them and costs me something, do I still feel moved to put them first? Or do I find, over time, that I do so mainly because I said I would?
Even if I have fallen out of love, I may still owe the other person honesty, kindness, and care. The commitments I made deserve thought. And if I can see that the love was real when I felt it, I can be grateful for it without asking the past to tell me what I feel today.
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